It’s time for the Democratic Debates Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo! Even our most respected institutions have devolved to cover this as a Hunger Games spin-off now, and I am certainly not better than them. Here are the match-ups to look forward not only the next couple of nights, but the campaign trail as a whole. And boy-oh-boy does this beat The Bachelorette.
Joe Biden vs Himself
This guy is polling so far ahead of everyone else, the only way he could blow it is if he stuck a foot in his mouth. Then again, he’s known for being flexible.
Beto O’Rourke vs Spanish
Señor Beto piensa que todes las americanos merecer mucho respect-o. He just doesn’t think he needs to learn a language to speak it.
Marianne Williamson vs Time
Bernie Sanders and/or Elizabeth Warren vs Time
Not in the debate stage, of course. More like… well, you know…
Amy Klobuchar vs Her Staff
For fuck’s sake, just get her a Diet Coke on time you incompetent piece of shit. It’s tough love is all. Just imagine if she wasn’t Minnesota nice.
Pete Buttigieg vs South Bend, Indiana
This guy is on a race to run a country, he doesn’t have time to run a small town in the middle of nowhere. Don’t they have someone to take care of that?
Andrew Yang vs Reality
Kamala Harris vs Policy
Kamala’s policies are meant to help those who really need it. Like the fine people who can recite a Midsummer Night’s Dream while juggling 3 flaming swords in a unicycle under the pale moonlight. Or something like that.
Steve Bullock vs The World
Listen, there comes a time when we have to pick a winner, and this is my pick goddammit! I know he’s got an uphill battle, but just like Scott Pilgrim, I believe in my boy Steve to pull this off. It’s time someone grows some bullocks around here, and I know Stevie the B will do. #Steve4theWin #Bullocks2020