So you’re watching the first real Democratic Primary Debate. This includes heavyweights like Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg and Kamala Harris (a few others too I guess.) Because it’s 2019, you’re probably used to getting shitfaced every time you watch the news. Here’s what you’ll need:
- An easy drink of your choice (light beer, hard lemonade, etc.)
- Your hard liquor of choice (for shots, tequila is recommended)
- A few miniature Jagermeisters
- One pint of Fireball.
Sounds like a lot? I call that a Tuesday. Below are the rules, but before, take a shot if there are technical difficulties at the start. This will be a long night.
- Andrew Yang advocates in favor of ‘Good Capitalism’.
- Joe Biden points and smiles or winks.
- Bernie Sanders rants against the top 1 percent (drink twice if he singles out Amazon or Wal-mart.)
- Kristen Gillibrand reminds you she’s a woman.
- Kamala Harris reminds you she’s a woman of color.
- Joe Biden reminds you he’s friends with Barack Obama.
- Mayor Pete looks awkward answering a question he’s not ready for.
- Someone makes a thinly veiled comment about Donald Trump.
- Trump makes a thinly veiled comment about the Debate on Twitter.
Take a shot if:
- Andrew Yang brings up Universal Basic Income.
- Bernie Sanders gets old-man-sassy.
- Joe Biden mentions appealing to ‘working class’ (read: white) voters.
- “Russia is undermining our democracy” (Two if they mention Facebook.)
- Someone speaks real shitty Spanish (malpario ijoeputa.)
- Mayor Pete mentions he’s a “millennial”.
- Joe Biden gets visibly frustrated when someone brings up ‘his past’.
- Marianne Williamson mentions she’s an outsider (everyone else wonders who the fuck was that?)
- Someone makes a direct comment about Donald Trump.
- Trump makes a direct comment about the Debate on Twitter.
Chug a Jager if:
- Andrew Yang mentions abolishing the penny.
- Someone actually answers a question.
- Joe Biden says ‘malarky’.
- Someone says they would impeach Trump.
- Bernie calls out Marianne Williamson for not making any sense (everyone else still wonders why she’s there.)
Chug the entire pint of Fireball if any of these things happen:
- Andrew Yang brings up banning circumcision.
- Rachel Maddow makes out with Kamala Harris.
- John Hickenlooper speaks.
Remember to drink responsibly. Or not, the world’s on fire anyway. Cheers. #YangGang #Yang2020 #IntactivistsUnite