Don’t Do What Donny Trump Does

A children’s book about civility and decorum

Picture by Von Michael Vadon — Eigenes Werk, CC BY-SA 4.0

After the success of Don’t Do What Donny Don’t Does, our publisher thought it’d be a good idea to write a follow-up book. This time about Donny the Trumpet, who is a very naughty boy. The book shows kids that if they don’t do what Donny does, they will surely make their fathers proud. Below is an excerpt of the much, much longer book.

I just start kissing them. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything — grab them by the pussy. Donny, 2005

No, Donny, don’t! Grabbing someone’s genitals is not a nice thing to do. Especially if they don’t want you to. And most of the times they don’t. Just look at yourself Donny, of course they don’t.

When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best… They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. — Donny, 2015

No, Donny, don’t! It’s never very nice to make simplistic and dehumanizing generalizations about large swaths of people. Even if you try to tack on something nice at the end. Not nice you pinche pendejo.

Now the poor guy, you got to see this guy — “Aahhh, I don’t know what I said, I don’t remembeeer” — Donny, 2015

No, Donny, don’t! It’s not nice to make fun of people that are different from you. Just as no one likes to be made fun of for having ugly fake hair, no one likes to be mocked for having different abilities.

Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. — Donny, 2016

No, Donny, don’t! Asking a foreign power, who already has geopolitical interests opposed to yours, for help during a presidential election is not very nice. No matter how many pee-pee tapes they have of you, that’s not nice. Some people even go to jail for that. One would think…

I’ve condemned neo-Nazis. I’ve condemned many different groups. But not all of those people were neo-Nazis, believe me… You also had some very fine people on both sides. — Donny, 2017

For fuck’s sake, Donny, don’t! It really isn’t nice to side with people who literally just murdered someone and are Hollywood shorthand for “the bad guys”. One wouldn’t think this is needed, but here it is again: No, it is not nice to side with Nazis, Donny.

From SCZ, Bolivia. Now in SLC, Utah. Here to read, write, and complain (in that order). I write fiction, humor, and some essays.

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