First Dem Debate Drinking Game of the Decade!

Try saying that five times fast

“I’m not really good at this stuff” — Joe Biden, probably

Once every four years people say caucus and don’t giggle like sixth-graders in sex-ed (which btw, it still isn’t a thing in like 11 states or something). So after sifting through what feels like 137candidates, and finally getting rid of their token minorities, the DNC is ready. With the Iowa Caucus less than a month away shit just got real. So leggo, time to get real shitfaced with what promises to be another forgettable roundtable of rich folks trying to pretend to care about you. You know how drinking games go:

DRANK

  • Joe Biden wakes up in the middle of his own sentence.
  • Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren bicker about who’s more elitist. (Trick question, they both are!)
  • CNN throws to some Twetsnaptagram audience question, and it’s clear they spent way more time on the graphics than vetting the questions.
  • Bernie Sanders throws the woman, err… Elizabeth Warren under the bus.
  • They all compare the Iran situation to Iraq in the Bush years. You are quickly reminded half of them voted in favor of that war.
  • Tom Steyer says he will stop climate change (sir, the question was about immigration reform).
  • You get a Michael Bloomberg commercial during the first ad break. Let’s face it, and all other ad breaks really.
  • A candidate (really, any of ’em) fails to give a convincing answer when asked how they plan to appeal to a diverse demographic.

One shot, two shots, three shots, FLOOR

  • Buttigieg tells you why running a town smaller than a Kansas City suburb qualifies him to be the president of 340 million people.
  • Biden forgets Obama’s first name when he’s reminding you they’re friends.
  • One of Bernie’s jokes fails to land. The music from Curb Your Enthusiasm starts playing as they zoom in on him.
  • You realize the author wrote this stupid thing drunk.
  • Warren perfectly lands a well-rehearsed zinger. Crickets. Trump tweets an insult about her with 15words and 17 typos. 23K retweets, 48K likes.

Just puke already

  • Tulsi Gabbard shows up (uninvited mind you, like me at most weddings) and warns you about pissing Russia off with this Iran shenanigans.
  • The #YangGang hacks CNN/the DNC and plays some shitty nerd memes on your TV.
  • You are actually watching this shit on TV.
  • Amy Klobuchar. AMY FUCKING KLOBUCHAR!!! That’s it, that’s the tweet.

I’m exhausted.

From SCZ, Bolivia. Now in SLC, Utah. Here to read, write, and complain (in that order). I write fiction, humor, and some essays.

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