Play-by-play Commentary of Nevada’s Democratic Debate!

From Mother Jones, but I honestly only wanted the picture. Dat Fair Use tho…

HOLY FUCKING COW! Shit got real from the moment people walked on stage! Lizzie the Warrier bathed in the blood of her enemies. Center-field candidates Petey the Butt and Amy Klutches forgot about the world around them and fought like the ugly siblings they are. All the while their Grandpa Joe, grasping to reality by the fingertips, barely realized other people were watching him. The rich white guy got called out for having multiple houses (Yep, I’m talking about Bernie). Oh, and Lil’ Mike was there too… he was the piñata everyone hit. I mean, one would think that hitting a billionaire would make it drop some change, right? Here are the highlights of the game:

Lizzie Dubs wastes no time with the attack

Right of the bat, Warren decided to remind the world that Bloomberg is to Trump what Mini Me is to… Me? I mean, you get the joke, they’re basically the same… ok, let’s move along.

But, look at those eyeeesss!

Listen man, this guy is a joke. You know that, I know that, probably the Encino Man knows that too (are my pop culture references too dated? Probably). But gotta give it to him with this double jab at noted Republican Mini Mike and forever Independent/Bolshevik Bernard Sander the Third. (Just kidding, he’s the first of his name. He’s probably his own great-grandfather). So yeah, Petie the Pooh didn’t say much, but at least he got a good zinger. But also…

“Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself…”

This. This is why people hate politics. I mean, give me a fucking break.

The real question: “Chuck Todd, should you exist?”

Can someone please punch Chuck Todd in the face for me? I mean, in the interest of spectacle, the poor bastard wasted momentum and failed to ask the meaningful question being debated in the real world. Not only that, it gave Mikey Mike from the Funky Bunch of Rich Assholes a chance to justify himself. Even after he LITERALLY had the rules changed in his favor. I mean for fuck’s sake man!

Hey, do you know if grandpa’s been taking his pills?

I don’t know man, it’s kinda sad really. I mean, it was somewhat of a softball and the (core of the) answer was mediocre but not terrible. It was the rehearsed talking points of someone who has middle of the road policies for a world-threatening issue. But the delivery… I mean, sheesh. It really makes you feel for the old man. But then again…

“I have a black friend, remember?”

Did you guys know that Joe Biden knows Obama? Like, bruh…

Of course, no highlight reel is complete without a few dunks:

Three houses: one for every lady who caught the Bern ;)

I mean, what kind of working-class hero doesn’t own a summer home? Sure, it was a cheap shot and Bernie actually took it fairly well. He also did relatively well the whole debate and most of you reading this like him. But what can I say, he’s not my favorite, sue me. In other news:

Why men shit ’til they gotta be prez?

Lizzie Wee just took a DNA test, turns out she’s 100% that beeetch!!! But she ah… she’s not really Native American… you know what? Let’s forget about this… Hey, check this out!

“Bitch please, I AM the Plan”

Daaaaaam girrrrl, you didn’t have to do them like that. You wouldn’t have anything else in your pockets, would you?

A minute of silence for Mike’s chances

A stage… my kingdom for a stage where we can see Lord Commander Warren tear Donny the Trumpet’s throat live! Seriously, the NFL ain’t got shit on this level of brutality!!! Oh, I’m sorry, is my bias showing? Who cares, it’s my blog. Anyway, this debate was the bloodiest we’ve seen… so far. See you next Tuesday (that sounds dirtier than I thought…).

From SCZ, Bolivia. Now in SLC, Utah. Here to read, write, and complain (in that order). I write fiction, humor, and some essays.

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